


My asylum is in your arms

by Neuqe



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Future Fic, M/M, Nightmares, Small Dose of Angst, pure fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-16 00:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7245046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neuqe/pseuds/Neuqe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus has a nightmare and Alec's first instinct is to make pancakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My asylum is in your arms

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in the future for the show!Malec and after city of heavenly fire for book!Malec but contains no spoilers whatsoever.

The soft sound of bare feet against the wooden floor was almost the only sound to be heard in the huge apartment, which was no surprise as it was closer to three o’clock on a Tuesday night. Magnus did not move, even though he was aware of the closing footsteps, but stayed where he was, looking out of the window. The street below had not quieted down yet, there were still cars and cabs, and people, moving on the street that was lit by the dim lights of different signs and few street lights. Magnus could vividly imagine the sounds the city was still making at this time of the night, but he could not actually hear them because of soundproof spells he had casted on his apartment years ago. He might have loved New York, but there was only so much traffic sounds one was able to tolerate in a rather long lifetime. But it was not the sounds, or the lack of them, he was fascinated by. He kept staring at the horizon, the skyline, the mixture of various shapes of buildings, lights and the sky. There was something oddly calming about them.

There was also something oddly calming about the strong pair of arms that had been wrapped around his waist from the behind. He slightly leaned on the body behind him and could instantly feel the warmth of the hug. As he was almost melting into the hug, he realised that he felt completely safe. He could feel how the stress, worry and anxiety were slowly disappearing only because of this particular hug.

“What are you doing here?” Magnus asked softly.

“Oh no,” Alec chuckled, “that’s not your question to ask right now. You are not the one who wakes up in the middle of the night alone in a bed that’s way too huge for one. That’s my question.”

Magnus felt small smile forming on his face as he took a deep breath. “I couldn’t sleep,” he answered truthfully, but his voice was quavering more than he liked to admit.

Alec was quiet for a moment and did not move his arms. He could feel his breath against his neck. “Are you okay?”

He remained silent as he considered his answer. In a way, he was fine. Physically he was fine and what he felt right now was nowhere near the worst he had ever felt. In theory, everything was fine. There was nothing to be unhappy with. It was more like an inconvenience than not being fine. It was just a dream. His distress was caused by something that did not even exist. How could a non-existent thing make him feel this startled? Nevertheless, it did. It was his dream and even though it might not be real, the emotions were real.

He wanted to tell Alec to stop worrying and go back to sleep. He could deal with his dreams alone. It was nothing. He could calm down without any help. He had done that for centuries. It just took few hours and couple glasses of alcohol to shake off the emotions caused by the dream and preferably to forget the whole thing. He knew he was capable of it.

However, this was Alec. He could lie to him about being fine, but the thing was that Alec could see right through him. He would know it is a lie, but he would not say anything. He was considerate in that way. But dealing with his issues in that way did rarely any good. Alec would feel excluded, not that he ever voiced it but Magnus knew it, and he would suffer alone. He did not want to be alone. He wanted to feel love, acceptance and closeness. He needed Alec in every way possible in moments like these. He needed the distraction and the reminder that the reality was a different thing than dream.

“No,” he breathed out.

At first, he was certain Alec had not heard him, but then he could feel how the hug got tighter and he could feel Alec kissing his neck softly and slowly.

“Did you have a nightmare?” He asked with even more gentler voice.

Magnus was always tiny bit amazed how well Alec could read him. Apparently, he was like an open book to him. Only few people had been able to do that and Alec had already mastered the art of it in few years. In moments like these, Magnus was grateful for it because he could not put all of his emotions and thoughts into words but Alec knew them anyhow. The connection they shared made it easier to tell things he rarely told to people.

“Yes,” he admitted.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

In a way, he did want to talk about it. Talking helped in most cases, but he did not want his dreams to become a burden to Alec. Some pains were only his to bear. Besides, the emotion was still so raw and strong that he was not sure could he even be able to talk about it yet.

“Not now, dear.”

“That’s okay,” Alec reassured, “do you want to go back to sleep?”

Magnus was perfectly aware that he was not able to fall asleep again tonight. He knew this from the countless times he had woken up with nightmares prior to this. He never fell asleep again. He could tell Alec otherwise and they could go back to bed. Then, what would be the point of admitting that he was not okay and then not accepting the help and comfort.

He shook his head.

“Alright. We’ll do something else then,” Alec said gently.

They remained silent for a while, but it was comfortable kind of silence without any pressure.

“You give excellent hugs,” Magnus pointed out to lighten the mood a bit.

Alec chuckled again and it was such a beautiful sound. He was rather convinced that Alec’s laugh solely could have made him feel better.

“So I have been told.”

Magnus turned around to face Alec, who still refused to let go but merely readjusted his hands.

Alec looked sleepy. He had wrinkles from the pillowcase on his cheek next to the small cuts he had received from _Rahab_ demons the day before. There were darkish circles below his eyes, and his hair was such a mess that it put a bird’s nest into shame. Still, Magnus was mesmerized. He was so in love that it almost hurt.

“By many people?” Magnus asked with a mock eyebrow rise.

Alec smiled whimsically. “By plenty of people, because I’m such a touchy feely person,” he told.

Magnus sputtered out a small laugh, and it seemed to bring happiness to Alec as his face crinkled into a warm and radiant smile. He took the advantage of his height and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead.

Alec nudged him slightly on the arm and walked to adjacent kitchen. Magnus followed him in the dimly lit apartment and took a seat from the many chairs he had located in the kitchen. Alec had already bent down behind the counter, rummaging through the cupboards.

“Do you want tea?”

Magnus blinked few times. If he really had wanted a cup of tea, he could have snapped his fingers and acquire one with his magic. He had no burning desire to get a cup of tea on this particular Tuesday night, but on the other hand, a nice cup of tea could have eased his mind. Besides, Alec seemed quite persistent on making the tea.

“It would be nice,” he bestowed a tiny smile as well.

Alec nearly beamed and immediately started fixing the cup of tea.

“Do you know that I have a fear of umbrellas?” He asked out of nowhere when he leaned on the kitchen counter and waited the water to boil.

“Darling, you don’t have a fear of umbrellas, do you?” Magnus asked with mixture of disbelief and amusement.

Alec flashed a grin. “Well, maybe not anymore, but I used to have one.”

“I feel as if there is a background story I ought to know,” Magnus said and admittedly, his curiosity had been awoken by Alec’s comment.

He was aware that it was to distract him from his nightmare, but he was not going to complain as it worked quite effectively. Alec was far more skilled with comforting people that he let on.

The kettle peeped faintly and Alec poured the steaming water into a cup. He hummed as a response. “Isn’t there always? But yes and I fully blame Jace for it.”

He put a bag of tea into the cup and handed it to Magnus.

He accepted it gratefully. “Thank you, love.”

“So Jace had this idea,” Alec started but kept a pause as a thoughtful expression crossed his face, “I’m quite sure that a vast majority of my childhood traumas have started with that sentence. Alternatively, that Izzy had this idea. Anyhow, I’m bit fuzzy on some of the details because I ended up with a concussion--“

Magnus tried his best to follow the chaotic story that somehow combined fire, colourful umbrellas and ducks. He always enjoyed immensely when Alec told him stories, but this time he was not able to focus completely. He was exhausted even though unable to sleep. He listened to Alec’s hoarse voice and all the little things were distracting him slightly.

The way Alec’s eyes sparkled because he was obviously telling a happy memory even though it had ended with traumas and concussion. The way Alec’s hand movements accompanied the story, and the way in which his hands occasionally brushed Magnus’ hands. The way his mouth constantly curved into a half-smile. The affectionate way he told the story and described his siblings.

“--and that’s why I loathed umbrellas for a long time,” Alec finished his story.

“You still tend to avoid the use of an umbrella,” Magnus pointed out matter-of-factly as he finished drinking his tea.

Alec glared at him. “Completely irrelevant point,” he said with a whimsical tone and continued rummaging their cupboards.

Magnus laughed. “What are you looking for?”

Alec pulled out eggs from the fridge. “The ingredients for pancakes,” he muttered.

“You’re going to make pancakes?” He asked perplexed.

Alec peered out and glanced at Magnus behind the kitchen counter as he pulled out a bowl. “No, I’m not going to make pancakes. I’m just going to gather all ingredients here and put them back where I took them.”

Magnus rolled his eyes fondly. “Why pancakes? Did you get an awfully specific craving right now?”

Alec abruptly stopped looking for the ingredients and returned next to Magnus.

He scratched his neck. “It’s just a thing I do when somebody I care about has a nightmare. It all started when Izzy was about eight years-old and she had a horrible nightmare. Mom and Dad were in Idris and Hodge was supposed to look after us. She came to wake me up and I had no idea what to do. She kept just crying. She didn’t want to hear a story and I suggested that let’s make pancakes. I mean who doesn’t like pancakes and it calmed her down. Then it kind of became a habit. Every time she had a nightmare, she would wake me up and we’d make pancakes. We never really talked about them afterwards, but somehow she told about them to Jace and Max because soon they were also waking me up in the middle of the night and asking for pancakes,” Alec told with a light laugh, “somehow Clary is also part of this.”

“Although sometimes Max did this without any nightmares, just because he wanted pancakes,” Alec added in a slightly wobbly voice, “but that’s why I’m making pancakes for _you_.”

Magnus was a little taken aback once again. He had always known that Alec was a big brother extraordinaire. It was obvious already from the amount of love he had for all of his siblings. How he was going to defy the devil himself just to keep them safe and sound. The tradition of pancakes seemed intimate in a way and he was touched by the very idea alone that Alec wanted to do this for him also. He adored the thought that he was important enough to Alec that he wanted to share this with him.

“I’m honoured to be a part of the very limited group of this tradition,” Magnus told quietly but smiled nevertheless.

Alec looked as if he was going to say something else, but thought otherwise. “Of course you are.”

He returned between the kitchen counters and tried to find the missing ingredients.

“You do know that instant pancake mix exists?” Magnus asked curiously, as he watched his boyfriend who had finally gathered all the necessary things to the table.

Alec rolled his eyes. “Yes, I do. However, the whole idea of this is that it takes time. One has time to calm down after the nightmare and all of that.”

Magnus simply nodded and watched as Alec started to prepare the dough.

Alec’s head suddenly jerked up. “Oh yeah. Another tradition is that you can say or tell whatever you want during the pancake time and it won’t be brought up later unless you want to.”

“Does that tradition also include you? That you can say whatever you want?” Magnus asked.

Alec considered this for a moment and shrugged. “I guess so.”

They remained silent after that.

“I almost lied you earlier,” Magnus confessed breaking the silence.

Alec frowned, picked up the bowl and returned next to Magnus.

“About what?” He asked gently without any sort of accusation in his voice.

“I was considering not to tell you that I indeed had a nightmare,” Magnus started, “I didn’t want to burden you with my burdens.”

Alec abandoned the bowl and a spatula to the table and cupped Magnus’ face instead.

“I’d never think it as a burden, alright?” He kissed him softly and slowly, and finally departed for air and let go of his face.

“Besides, isn’t that what relationship is all about? Your burdens become my burdens and vice versa. Then they cease to exist as burdens because we share them.”  

Magnus smiled affectionately and poked Alec in the arm.

Alec grinned. “You have dough in your face,” he pointed out with perfectly innocent expression.

Magnus smirked. He put his fingers in the bowl and then dragged them along Alec’s cheek. “So do you, my dear.”

He chuckled but did nothing to clean his face. “Really mature, Mags.”

Magnus shrugged innocently.

Alec continued mixing the dough. “I’m glad you told it to me, though.”

Magnus smiled beatifically. “I was thinking you could numb my pain and I was correct.”

He granted a quick flash of smile before he continued looking for a frying pan.

“I like your shirt,” Alec’s voice was muffled as his head was in a cupboard.

Magnus looked down; as if he had forgotten what he was wearing, and concluded that, it was actually one of Alec’s t-shirts. When he had woken up, he had merely grabbed the first piece of clothing that he had found.

“It’s yours,” Magnus corrected wryly.

“I’m aware,” Alec beamed and got up with the frying pan on his other hand, “it looks better on you.”

“That’s debatable, darling. Almost everything looks good on me, except for some horrendous things invented in the ‘80s,” Magnus said with a distraught expression, “but this looks equally good on you.”

Alec merely laughed as a response and started frying the pancakes.

Magnus walked across the kitchen and hopped on the oven’s adjacent kitchen counter.

“The nightmare was about my parents,” Magnus started tremulously. He glanced at Alec. His forehead furrowed a bit but he remained silent, prompting Magnus to continue.

“I haven’t had dreams about them in a long while, but occasionally the nightmares return. Perhaps because it is the first nightmare I ever had,” Magnus swallowed, “it seems kind of ludicrous in retrospect as I cannot even recall in detail what my mother and stepfather looked like.”

Magnus took slightly shaky breath. “However, they still haunt me in my dreams. It’s always the same pattern. Discovering my mother’s hung body and being drowned by my stepfather,” Magnus abruptly stopped talking as he felt how Alec interlocked their fingers, “unfortunately those events are not the worst part of it. It is this feeling of worthlessness and hate. The faces of my parents say all the hurtful things. It’s this nightmare that nearly convinces me that perhaps I am that unlovable monster that my parents thought me to be.”

Magnus glanced at Alec again. His eyes glistened with sadness and his whole demeanour had shifted to sorrow.

He traced Alec’s jawline with his free hand. “That’s why I told you about the nightmare. You always make that feeling disappear, even when you don’t know it. Even one look from you is enough. Because you make me feel loved, and if _you_ love me, I cannot be a complete waste of space,” Magnus explained ruefully.

Alec moved the frying pan away from the stove and focused completely on his boyfriend. He squeezed his hand tighter. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured, “I don’t know what to say,” he continued almost helplessly.

“You don’t have to say anything, darling.” Magnus reassured, “you made me feel better already. That feeling is long gone.”

Alec nodded but there was uncertainty in his eyes. “Good. Just tell me if there’s anything I can do.”

“I will,” he promised.

Alec continued frying the pancakes. “You know, you aren’t unlovable. Falling in love with you was the damn easiest thing I have ever done,” Alec told, “It was hard to accept at first, but the rest of it was so easy.”

Magnus felt a warm smile lighting up his face and apparently, it was contagious because Alec’s face mirrored his expression.

***

Soon Magnus found himself sitting with Alec on their enormous cobalt blue couch, eating the pancakes.

“Did anyone ever make you pancakes?” Magnus asked unexpectedly.

Alec looked a bit perplexed for a moment as if he had to consider it. “No,” he finally said and continued to eat.

Magnus found this piece of information unbelievably sad. He nudged him with his leg. “I solemnly swear that next time you have a nightmare, I’ll make you pancakes.”

Alec laughed. “That’s a deal,” he said and dumped their empty plates to the wooden coffee table.

Magnus readjusted his position on the couch and cuddled Alec who made no signs of protest, but merely spread a blanket over them.

Television was on and broadcasting some reality TV show’s sixty-fifth rerun. Magnus was not really paying any attention to it. He focused more on how safe and relaxed he felt right now.

He felt drowsiness and it was entirely possible that he would do the impossible and fall back to sleep after a nightmare. Perhaps Alec Lightwood was able to protect him from his own demons.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Anytime.”

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Pride month!  
> So originally this was supposed to be a prompt fic for my friend (and it still is) and the prompt was 'Alec protecting Magnus' but I got sidetracked and this 3000 word monster of fluff is the result. Also I'm shamelessly combining show and book canon and you cannot stop me. All the grammar mistakes are mine as English isn't my first language.  
> The title is from Uncover by Zara Larsson.


End file.
